A Response to the NYT article: Exclusive Breastfeeding & Equal Parenting are a Zero-Sum Game

I just read the New York Times opinion piece arguing that exclusive breastfeeding and equal parenting are incompatible, that choosing to breastfeed means choosing an “infuriatingly lopsided dynamic,” and that formula is the path to liberation. At first I was seething. Now, I'm mostly disappointed.

I have so much compassion for the author. I truly do. Emergency surgery with a 3-month-old, worrying about your older child, the exhaustion of early motherhood, the resentment when your partner isn’t carrying equal weight. That’s real. That’s hard. And she deserves support, not judgment.

But this article isn’t just about her story. It’s positioning formula as feminist liberation and breastfeeding as the enemy of equal parenting. And that framing is deeply, dangerously flawed.

The Real Problem isn't Breastfeeding

The author writes that she breastfed for eight months, "Not because I particularly enjoyed it but because it seemed to be the default.” She did all the bedtimes, all the night feeds. The resentment nearly broke them as a couple. But here’s what’s missing: Why was breastfeeding the only thing her partner couldn’t do?

Breastfeeding doesn’t mean mothers must do:

- All the nappy changes

- All the bedtimes

- All bathtimes

- All the soothing

- All the mental load

- All the night wakings (yes, even while breastfeeding)

A partner can bring baby to you for night feeds. A partner can change their nappy, resettle when they wake and my personal fabourite? Handle those pre-dawn wake-ups. A partner can do literally everything except put breast to mouth.

I count myself incredibly fortunate to have a partner who, from day one, soothed his son to sleep. Who, from day one, changed every nappy when he was home. Who, from day one, facilitated my breastfeeding journey on my terms.

The problem wasn’t breastfeeding. The problem was that her partner wasn’t stepping up to do everything else. And instead of addressing that, she’s been told the solution is to stop breastfeeding.

Formula Didn't Create Equality, Her Partner Finally Stepping Up Did

She writes that with baby #2, they used formula, Early and often” and achieved “,Yhe parenting dynamic I always dreamed of.” Her partner did overnight feeds, they traded tips on soothing, he got to, “Experiment and fail and try again.”

I’m genuinely happy for both of them that this worked the second time around. Truly. But let’s be clear: The formula didn’t create that dynamic. Her partner’s willingness to actually be an equal parent did.

Everything he did with a bottle, he could have done while she breastfed:

- Nappy changes

- Soothing

- Bathing

- Experimenting with techniques

- Taking baby for hours at a time so she could sleep

- Doing the mental load of tracking wake windows, growth spurts, doctor appointments, etc.

The bottle didn’t unlock his capability. His decision to actually parent did.

The Dangerous Myth: Breastfeeding = Maternal Sacrifice

This article perpetuates the myth that breastfeeding inherently means mothers must sacrifice everything while fathers get to opt out. That’s not biology. That’s culture. Yes, only mothers can breastfeed. But:

- Partners can do literally everything else

- Breastfeeding doesn’t require mothers to be touched out, exhausted and resentful

- Equal parenting is possible while breastfeeding

When we frame breastfeeding as incompatible with equal parenting, we’re not challenging patriarchy. We’re accommodating it. We’re saying, “Well, mothers feed the baby, so I guess mothers should do everything else too.”

Hell no.

The Privilege of Formula as the Answer

The author writes that formula liberated her, gave her partner autonomy and created the family dynamic she wanted. For her, formula was a choice. A valid one. But for millions of women globally, formula isn’t liberation. It’s:

- Unaffordable

- Unsafe (without clean water)

- Unavailable

- Marketed aggressively & unethically, in violation of international codes

Framing formula as feminist liberation erases the women for whom breastfeeding is essential, not because of “breast is best” ideology, but because formula isn’t accessible. It also completely erases the women who desperately wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t because of lack of support, misinformation, or medical barriers. For them, this framing adds salt to an open wound.

What this Artcle Seriously Downplays

Here’s what’s conspicuously absent from this article: breastfeeding doesn’t just benefit babies. It significantly reduces mothers’ long-term health risks. The evidence is overwhelming:

• For every 12 months a woman breastfeeds, her risk of breast cancer decreases by 4.3% [1]

• Women who breastfeed for more than 12 months have a 26% reduced risk of breast cancer overall [2]

• Breastfeeding reduces ovarian cancer risk by 24% [3] Women who breastfed for 18 months had a 44% reduced risk compared to those who never breastfed [4]

• Women who breastfeed have an 11% reduced risk of cardiovascular disease [5] 14% reduced risk of coronary heart disease [5] 12% reduced risk of stroke [5] and 17% reduced risk of dying from cardiovascular disease [5]

• Breastfeeding reduces the risk of type 2 diabetes by 27%** in women who breastfed compared to those who never did [6]

• Women who breastfed for more than 12 months have lower rates of hypertension (12% reduced risk), [7] hyperlipidemia (19% reduced risk), [7] and metabolic syndrome [7]

This isn’t trivial. This is our long-term health.

When we frame breastfeeding as incompatible with liberation, when we don’t facilitate mothers’ ability to breastfeed if they choose to, we rob them of the opportunity to significantly reduce their risk of cancer, heart disease, stroke and diabetes.

That is a serious injustice.

The author had the privilege of choosing formula. But when we make that choice the cultural norm, when we dismantle breastfeeding support infrastructure, when we frame breastfeeding itself as oppressive - we harm the millions of women who want or need to breastfeed for their own health and their babies’ health.

What we All Actually Need

From the outside looking in, it seems clear to me that the author needed:

- A partner who did 50% of the parenting from day one

- Proper postpartum support

- Rest

- Lactation support if she wanted to continue breastfeeding

- Permission to combo feed or stop breastfeeding at any point without guilt or shame

What she didn’t need:

- To be told that breastfeeding and equal parenting are incompatible

- To have her resentment blamed on breastfeeding instead of on her partner’s failure to step up

- To frame formula as the solution to patriarchy

More than ever, women need unconditional support of their choices in womanhood and motherhood - whatever that looks like.

The Real Zero-Sum Game

The author writes, “It’s time to explicitly tell parents-to-be, before they’re in the trenches, that the two worthwhile enterprises of exclusive breastfeeding and equal parenting are a zero-sum game.”

Nope. We're sure as hell not doing that.

The actual zero-sum game is this: You can have exclusive breastfeeding OR you can have a partner who uses it as an excuse to not do anything & everything else.

And when we tell women that breastfeeding is the barrier to equality, we let partners off the hook. Please, let's never do that.

True Equality Acknowledges our Differences

Here’s what I think the author is conflating: equality with sameness. Parents don’t have to do the same jobs, the same roles, to be equal parents. If I am doing all of the feeding, my partner can be doing everything else. And quite frankly, he should be.

Equal parenting doesn’t mean we each do 50% of every single task. It means we each carry 50% of the mental, physical and emotional labor of raising our children. Breastfeeding is one task. There are literally hundreds of others. When my partner soothed our son to sleep from day one, changed every nappy when he was home, took our son for hours while I slept, handled the mental load of tracking appointments and milestones - we were equal parents. Even though I was the only one who could breastfeed.

Dear partners, this should be standard. Anything less is seriously poor form.

Combo-Feeding isn't the Issue - The Framing Is

Combo feeding is a wonderful option for many families. Formula is a wonderful option for many families. And so is exclusively breastfeeding. Quite frankly, if it works for your family, if it saves your mental health, if it allows both parents to bond and share feeding, that’s beautiful.

But this article doesn’t say, "Combo feeding worked for us.” It says ,“Breastfeeding is the enemy of equal parenting” and “We need to tell parents that choosing to breastfeed means choosing maternal sacrifice.” That’s not support. That’s ideology masquerading as feminism.

What Actual Feminism Looks Like

Actual feminism in infant feeding looks like:

- Supporting all mothers with adequate, paid leave, healthcare and universal lactation support

- Holding partners accountable for equal parenting regardless of feeding method

- Acknowledging that breastfeeding doesn’t require mothers to do everything

- Making donor breast milk and accesible for everyone who wants or needs it

- Making formula accessible and affordable for everyone who wants or needs it

- Not framing women’s bodies as the problem when the problem is actually male passivity

Feminism isn’t, “Stop breastfeeding so your partner will help.”

Feminism is, "Your partner should be doing as much as possible of everything else whether you breastfeed or not.”

To the Mothers Reading This

If you’re breastfeeding and exhausted and resentful and your partner isn’t pulling their weight: The problem is not your breasts. The problem is your partner.

You can:

- Breastfeed and have an equal partner

- Combo feed and still do everything alone (if your partner doesn’t step up)

- Formula feed and still carry the mental load (if your partner doesn’t step up)

The feeding method doesn’t determine equality. Your partner’s willingness to actually parent does.

If stopping breastfeeding is what you need for your mental health, do it. No judgment. But don’t let anyone tell you that breastfeeding is why your partner isn’t helping. Your partner isn’t helping because they’re choosing not to. And that’s on them.

With compassion for all mothers, everywhere, however you are feeding your baby.

Danielle

❤️

Sources:

[1] Collaborative Group on Hormonal Factors in Breast Cancer. (2002). Breast cancer and breastfeeding: collaborative reanalysis of individual data from 47 epidemiological studies in 30 countries, including 50302 women with breast cancer and 96973 women without the disease. *The Lancet*, 360(9328), 187-195. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12133652/

[2] Zhou, Y., Chen, J., Li, Q., Huang, W., Lan, H., & Jiang, H. (2015). Association between breastfeeding and breast cancer risk: evidence from a meta-analysis. *Breastfeeding Medicine*, 10(3), 175-182.

[3] Babic, A., Sasamoto, N., Rosner, B. A., Tworoger, S. S., Jordan, S. J., Risch, H. A., Harris, H. R., Rossing, M. A., Doherty, J. A., Fortner, R. T., Chang-Claude, J., Goodman, M. T., Modugno, F., Moysich, K. B., Ness, R. B., Kjaer, S. K., Wicklund, K. G., Cramer, D. W., & Terry, K. L. (2020). Association between breastfeeding and ovarian cancer risk. *JAMA Oncology*, 6(6), e200421. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32239218/

[4] Jordan, S. J., Cushing-Haugen, K. L., Wicklund, K. G., Doherty, J. A., & Rossing, M. A. (2012). Breast-feeding and risk of epithelial ovarian cancer. *Cancer Causes & Control*, 23(6), 919-927. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3361371/

[5] U, P., Peters, S. A. E., Woodward, M., Lekdorf, J., Ollier, W., Zhao, S. S., & Willeit, P. (2022). Breastfeeding is associated with a reduced maternal cardiovascular risk: Systematic review and meta-analysis involving data from 8 studies and 1,192,700 parous women. *Journal of the American Heart Association*, 11(2), e022746. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35014854/

[6] Pinho-Gomes, A. C., Morelli, G., Jones, A., & Woodward, M. (2021). Association of lactation with maternal risk of type 2 diabetes: A systematic review and meta-analysis of observational studies. *Diabetes, Obesity and Metabolism*, 23(8), 1902-1916.

[7] Schwarz, E. B., Ray, R. M., Stuebe, A. M., Allison, M. A., Ness, R. B., Freiberg, M. S., & Cauley, J. A. (2009). Duration of lactation and risk factors for maternal cardiovascular disease. *Obstetrics & Gynecology*, 113(5), 974-982. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19384111/

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### Additional Reading:

**Breastfeeding and Breast Cancer:**

- Chowdhury, R., et al. (2015). Breastfeeding and maternal health outcomes: a systematic review and meta-analysis. *Acta Paediatrica*, 104(467), 96-113.

**Breastfeeding and Cardiovascular Disease:**

- Peters, S. A. E., Yang, L., Guo, Y., Chen, Y., Bian, Z., Sun, H., Li, S., Yang, X., Li, L., Woodward, M., & Chen, Z. (2017). Breastfeeding and the risk of maternal cardiovascular disease: A prospective study of 300,000 Chinese women. *Journal of the American Heart Association*, 6(6), e006081. https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/jaha.117.006081

**Breastfeeding and Ovarian Cancer:**

- Titus, L. J., et al. (2013). Reproductive factors and ovarian cancer risk in African American women. *Cancer Causes & Control*, 24(1), 99-109.

**Comprehensive Review of Maternal Health Benefits:**

- Victora, C. G., et al. (2016). Breastfeeding in the 21st century: epidemiology, mechanisms, and lifelong effect. *The Lancet*, 387(10017), 475-490.