PPA, Postpartum and Me

I remember ticking the checklist for postpartum depression and not coming up with much. I still had motivation and there were lots of things I was enjoying about being a mother, so I thought I was fine…

I definitely wasn't.

I was completely obsessive about my son’s weight, what he was eating, how much sleep he was getting, nap times, wake windows and every single detail of his daily routine. Probably because the impact on me was so profound - if he didn’t nap well in the daytime, he wouldn’t sleep well at night, and the sleep deprivation was completely crippling.

On reflection, the anxiety didn’t start postpartum but way  before I even went into labour.

7 Weeks Pregnant

Around week 7, I was convinced that the normal stretching of my uterus was me miscarrying again. I went to hospital, had a scan and was reassured, and for a moment I could breathe.

But then it manifested differently.

I downloaded apps to track my nutrients through pregnancy and started making beetroot and kale smoothies, forcing them down even though I felt unwell, because I was convinced I had to in order to protect my little boy and keep him safe. The anxiety undoubtedly contributed to the reason my labour lasted 78 hours and ended in an emergency caesarean - and postpartum it only continued.

It Wasn’t Depression. It Was Anxiety.

It wasn’t that I didn’t get enjoyment out of life - I did, and I loved being his mother - but I was so concerned with absolutely every aspect of his life that I couldn’t relax or switch off. Yes, I was passionate about breastfeeding and it felt incredibly redemptive after everything we’d been through, but the pressure I put on myself to breastfeed exclusively was immense. Nothing else would do and I was going to make it work, irrespective of anything and everyone else.

When he started solids, I would only give him organic food and porridge made with breast milk. I remember freaking out when he had chips from a chip shop for the first time around 15 months old whilst we were visiting friends, mortified as he gobbled them down as if there was no tomorrow. He didn’t sleep any better that night, by the way - in fact, he woke up just as often as he always did(!). 

At one point, I used to count the pieces of pasta he ate and report back to my partner every single day, which on reflection was very concerning.

What Is Postpartum Anxiety?

Postpartum anxiety (PPA) affects approximately 1 in 5 mothers, though it’s less talked about than postpartum depression. Unlike postpartum depression, which is characterised by low mood and lack of motivation, postpartum anxiety manifests as constant worry about your baby’s health, safety or development, intrusive thoughts about something bad happening and obsessive behaviours like checking breathing, tracking every feed or weighing obsessively.

Physical symptoms include a racing heart, difficulty sleeping even when baby sleeps, nausea and chest tightness, alongside perfectionism around feeding, sleeping and routines, an inability to relax or switch off, and catastrophic thinking where you assume the worst-case scenario. Writing this now, I know that I had PPA from the moment that my son was born.

You can have postpartum anxiety without postpartum depression and you can feel joy whilst also feeling consumed by worry. That’s what made it so hard to recognise in myself - I thought because I was enjoying motherhood, I must be fine, but enjoyment and anxiety can coexist.

When It Finally Lifted

It started to very slowly disappear once I found my rhythm as a mother, maybe around 3 or 4 years postpartum when I stopped worrying about when he would stop breastfeeding or how I would stop if I was ready before him  and I stopped panicking about every single thing he did and didn't eat.

This Time, I’m Doing It Differently

This pregnancy, the nausea and vomiting was incessant in the first few weeks and between weeks 8 and 18 I was vomiting 2 to 3 times a day and struggling to keep down one whole meal a day. 

The guilt was immense.

With my first pregnancy, this would have sent me into a spiral where I downloaded more apps, tracked every nutrient, forced down more kale smoothies whilst feeling awful, convinced I was failing my baby. But this time, I had Healthy Mama Happy Baba.

Even on the days when I could only keep down a pint of milk and a tub of Greek yogurt, I knew I was still getting selenium, choline, iron and B vitamins and more - all the nutrients designed specifically for mothers like me. I started taking it even before we started trying to conceive and I’m still taking it now as I approach my third trimester and instead of the anxiety spiral, I could breathe.

My diet continues to be far from perfect, but it’s enough - and I am through this second and last baby finally giving myself permission to be just that - enough.

If You’re Struggling: Resources & Support

You’re not alone, and you don’t have to wait for it to get unbearable before you reach out. If you’re reading this and recognising yourself, please reach out - you deserve support and you deserve to feel well. And if nourishing your body through pregnancy and postpartum feels impossible right now, use code DANIELLE25 for 25% off Healthy Mama Happy Baba.

You don’t have to be perfect. You're already more than enough.

UK Resources

NHS Talking TherapiesFree, confidential mental health supportwww.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments

Pandas Foundation (Pre and Postnatal Depression Advice and Support)Helpline: 0808 1961 776 (11am-10pm daily)

Email support, online peer support groupswww.pandasfoundation.org.uk

MindInfoline: 0300 123 3393www.mind.org.uk

The Association for Post Natal Illness (APNI)Helpline: 020 7386 0868 (10am-2pm, Mon-Fri)www.apni.org

Maternal Mental Health AllianceDirectory of specialist perinatal mental health services across the UKwww.maternalmentalhealthalliance.org

US Resources

Postpartum Support International (PSI)Helpline: 1-800-944-4773 (English & Spanish)Text: 800-944-4773Online support groups, therapist directorywww.postpartum.net

National Maternal Mental Health HotlineCall or text: 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262)24/7 free, confidential supportwww.mchb.hrsa.gov/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline

The Motherhood CenterPerinatal mood and anxiety disorder specialistswww.themotherhoodcenter.com

2020 MomFree peer support groups, therapist directorywww.2020mom.org

Crisis Text LineText HOME to 74174124/7 crisis support

With love,

Danielle X Healthy Mama Happy Baba

❤️​​​​​​​​​​​